Friday, August 24, 2012

River of Dreams

Lately I have been missing something.  Something important has disappeared from my life in the past few years.  That something is me - the old me.  Raising children is wonderful and incredibly hard all at the same time.  In the midst of the pregnancies and child rearing, I think I lost who I really was. 

Before had kids, I used to do so much.  I ran a mountain biking club called the Walnut Creek Posse and a marathon training group.  Heck, I ran 9 marathons (9 very slow, very long marathons).  I had a sailboat that I used to get myself into a whole lot of trouble out on Lake Travis.  I did stand up comedy.  I had huge parties.  I traveled a lot.  My weekends were packed with lots of fun stuff.

Now, it seems like all of that is gone.  I always assumed I would not be one of "those" parents who falls off of the face of the earth when they had kids.  Well, I kinda did.  My pregnancies were very hard.  My children have so much energy.  Most days after work and the kids, I have nothing left.  To make matters worse, taking a "restful" vacation is almost impossible at this point.  Travel is very difficult with young children.  Before kids I just assumed I could always jump on a jet and head off to Australia.  Well, there is no way I am doing that now.  A one year only and almost 4 year old will really keep you locked down.  Australia will have to wait.

I miss those magic moments.  ...like the standing ovation I got at a karaoke club for my rendition of Baby Got Back  ...or taking the sailboat out at night with a good friend, where the lake was still and the conversation was deep...  ...or riding my mountain bike down an actual mountain in Utah, filled with adrenaline and fear.  ...or backpacking in big bend with my sister, and arguing about cactus species.  ...or the laughs I got when I did my stand up routine, ever so slightly intoxicated, while standing on an inner tube floating down the San Marcos river.  ...or running in Finland, in almost a dream state because of the fog and the jet lag. 

I know I will have more magic moments with my kids.  I have had many with them already.  Many of my other posts and pictures posted to Facebook are dedicated to this magic.

But still, I miss my old self...  So recently I have been slowly crawling out of my shell.  I have been out to a few happy hours.  I scoped out a comedy club's open mic night.  I have a plan to practice with a girlfriend next weekend and then I am getting up on stage!  I don't care how terrible I am, this is just something I have to do. 

My husband is at poker night now.  This is important.  He gets to have a night out and he will return the favor later this weekend when I go out to a karaoke night with co-workers (gosh, I sure missed karaoke - I really stink at it, but I missed it all the same).

So I guess the key is that since we can now both handle both kids at the same time by ourselves - at least in a contained environment like our house - a window of opportunity has opened.  While I'll never going to be able to do all that I did before kids, I'll be able to pursue some of my dreams, no matter how silly they are.  Quite frankly, there are some things I did in my past that I don't have an interest in doing anymore.  Those 300 person keggars were a blast, but I don't have the interest or insurance to do those anymore.  I can't do everything I actually want to do.  I have to be realistic.  I don't want to be away from my kids very often.  Logistically that means I have to prioritize. 

So here is my prioritized list:
1) Hang out with friends (new and old)
2) Stand up comedy (open mic night to start out with)
3) Start running again (someday I want to do marathon #10 - but that will take a few years)
4) Slam Poetry (I've only watched this once - and I have always wanted to try it)
5) Read a book (yeah, this one is sad - I have not read a book in so long.  I have a few in mind that I want to read.  This one can probably be done after the kids go to bed so it is not a huge impact to the family schedule).
6) Play more video games (I know this sounds silly, but I would love an evening with just me and Diablo 3).

So here I go - time to get out of my shell and pursue some of my dreams, all at the same time caring for two small children and working full time!  My next post will be about sleep deprivation.