Lately I have been feeling so much better. I feel alive again. I can't even put my finger on exactly what it is. Maybe it is just a combination of steps I took to improve my life since my last post.
Change #1: I got out and did kid free stuff. I'm lucky that my husband supported me on this and watched the kids. I had a blast hanging out with girlfriends, attending a few parties, and singing karaoke. I was even able to pursue one of my dreams and get up on stage at a local comedy club and do stand up. I also got a sitter and had a few date nights with my husband. It was so much fun to see a movie in an actual movie theater! I have more events planned for the future. While I certainly can't do everything I did before kids, I can get out every now and then and that certainly makes me feel more alive.
Change#2: I started a parent group. Every weekend we go somewhere new and it is always a fun surprise to see who shows up. This group has helped me reconnect with old friends and make some new friends. It is great for my kids too. They love playing with others and we almost always go somewhere where they can go nuts and get their energy out.
Change #3: I started eating healthy. Since I am so busy, this is had been difficult. My husband and I began eating prepared meals from one of those healthy food places and I lost over 20 pounds. This was a bit of a shock as I only did this healthy meal thing to help my husband eat gluten free. I lost so much weight that I had to buy new clothes (the past 4 years have been miserable experiences for clothes shopping). This time around I actually enjoyed trying on new clothes. Sure, I still have a jello crater belly and not everything looks great on me, but I've come a long way and I feel physically great. I have way more energy. I can't figure out if the "feeling great with more energy" is because of the food (perhaps a blood sugar thing?), or the fact that I am hauling around less weight on my frame, or that I have a better body image. Whatever it is, it is working...
Change #4: I went on a really fun kid friendly vacation
(Disney). Most of our vacations until now have been a LOT of work.
This one was certainly a lot of work, but it was also so much fun.
Going on Splash Mountain with Peach was a highlight. I have so many
good memories. I want to go back. We went to Disney during a normally
difficult time of year for me (the anniversary of my father's death).
This year I took time to remember him, but I was not filled with the
same deep sadness that I have felt in years past. Some of my best
memories of my dad were at Disney. It was fun reconnecting with those
memories while making new ones.
Change #5: I took back the night! While Dan was out of town I got Penny sleeping though the night. Then, we moved Pen into Peach's room. While we still occasionally have someone sneaking into our bed in the middle of the night, we are all getting so much more sleep. Also, we seem to have more time to ourselves after the kids go to sleep as their bedtime has become more routine and regimented (8pm and we walk out the door - Woot!)
So there may be something to the whole "taking time for yourself makes you a better parent" thing. Also, our kids are getting older. They are becoming more independent. They entertain each other more. Little things like being able to do the dishes uninterrupted while the kids watch Curious George are little luxuries that we did not have even 6 months ago. I look back to when Pen was a baby and Evelyn was barely 3. That was a hard time. The bottles alone took me over an hour to complete each day. The pumping at work... ugh... I am so glad that is in the past. It is still not easy, but it is getting easier. My kids still require quite a lot of effort just to keep them under control... but we can manage so much better now. I enjoy being a parent so much more now. I think (hope) I will enjoy it more and more and time goes on.
I was thinking of what other changes I want to make in my life. I would love to start working out again. I did this in the first 6 months after I went back to work, but it did not do too much for me. I think I am in a better place to work out now. I have no idea how I am going to fit it in - but I will think of something...
Bottom line: I need to keep doing new things and challenging myself. Only with a variety of experiences will I continue to feel happy and alive.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Sleep Deprivation
Sleep has been difficult to come by ever since I was pregnant with Peach - about 4.5 years ago! That is a long time to have sleepless nights. The reason? Well, there was about 18 months or so of puking my guts out when I was pregnant (2 kids x 9 months each). Then, once they were born, the sleep situation got even worse. It has always been changing as our kids grew - but it has always been rough.
Putting the kids to bed can sometimes be a 4 hour ordeal. They have frequent awakenings during the night. Something has to give. This week DH has been out of town. He is a more of a softy than I am when it comes to our kids and would have a tough time with Pen crying. I read this article and decided this was a good week to get Pen (my now 17 month old) sleeping in her own space. One quote from that article: "By the age of 1, they should be sleeping 12 overnight hours in a row," Ha!!! I must surely be doing something wrong!!!
It was hard at first. She cried in her pack and play. I stayed nearby so she could see me. Eventually, she fell asleep by herself! Each day she put up less and less of a fuss. If we keep this up, I may have a little time to myself in the evenings. I still have to lose the nighttime wake-ups. Perhaps that will be next week? Ha! It is never that easy. ...but a 17 month old should be able to sleep through the night. It is not like she is a few weeks old and has a tiny tummy. Part of me feels selfish for doing a little sleep training. I try and justify it by saying that I am a better mom if I get time to myself and enough sleep. I only half believe that justification...
Putting the kids to bed can sometimes be a 4 hour ordeal. They have frequent awakenings during the night. Something has to give. This week DH has been out of town. He is a more of a softy than I am when it comes to our kids and would have a tough time with Pen crying. I read this article and decided this was a good week to get Pen (my now 17 month old) sleeping in her own space. One quote from that article: "By the age of 1, they should be sleeping 12 overnight hours in a row," Ha!!! I must surely be doing something wrong!!!
It was hard at first. She cried in her pack and play. I stayed nearby so she could see me. Eventually, she fell asleep by herself! Each day she put up less and less of a fuss. If we keep this up, I may have a little time to myself in the evenings. I still have to lose the nighttime wake-ups. Perhaps that will be next week? Ha! It is never that easy. ...but a 17 month old should be able to sleep through the night. It is not like she is a few weeks old and has a tiny tummy. Part of me feels selfish for doing a little sleep training. I try and justify it by saying that I am a better mom if I get time to myself and enough sleep. I only half believe that justification...
Friday, August 24, 2012
River of Dreams
Lately I have been missing something. Something important has disappeared from my life in the past few years. That something is me - the old me. Raising children is wonderful and incredibly hard all at the same time. In the midst of the pregnancies and child rearing, I think I lost who I really was.
Before had kids, I used to do so much. I ran a mountain biking club called the Walnut Creek Posse and a marathon training group. Heck, I ran 9 marathons (9 very slow, very long marathons). I had a sailboat that I used to get myself into a whole lot of trouble out on Lake Travis. I did stand up comedy. I had huge parties. I traveled a lot. My weekends were packed with lots of fun stuff.
Now, it seems like all of that is gone. I always assumed I would not be one of "those" parents who falls off of the face of the earth when they had kids. Well, I kinda did. My pregnancies were very hard. My children have so much energy. Most days after work and the kids, I have nothing left. To make matters worse, taking a "restful" vacation is almost impossible at this point. Travel is very difficult with young children. Before kids I just assumed I could always jump on a jet and head off to Australia. Well, there is no way I am doing that now. A one year only and almost 4 year old will really keep you locked down. Australia will have to wait.
I miss those magic moments. ...like the standing ovation I got at a karaoke club for my rendition of Baby Got Back ...or taking the sailboat out at night with a good friend, where the lake was still and the conversation was deep... ...or riding my mountain bike down an actual mountain in Utah, filled with adrenaline and fear. ...or backpacking in big bend with my sister, and arguing about cactus species. ...or the laughs I got when I did my stand up routine, ever so slightly intoxicated, while standing on an inner tube floating down the San Marcos river. ...or running in Finland, in almost a dream state because of the fog and the jet lag.
I know I will have more magic moments with my kids. I have had many with them already. Many of my other posts and pictures posted to Facebook are dedicated to this magic.
But still, I miss my old self... So recently I have been slowly crawling out of my shell. I have been out to a few happy hours. I scoped out a comedy club's open mic night. I have a plan to practice with a girlfriend next weekend and then I am getting up on stage! I don't care how terrible I am, this is just something I have to do.
My husband is at poker night now. This is important. He gets to have a night out and he will return the favor later this weekend when I go out to a karaoke night with co-workers (gosh, I sure missed karaoke - I really stink at it, but I missed it all the same).
So I guess the key is that since we can now both handle both kids at the same time by ourselves - at least in a contained environment like our house - a window of opportunity has opened. While I'll never going to be able to do all that I did before kids, I'll be able to pursue some of my dreams, no matter how silly they are. Quite frankly, there are some things I did in my past that I don't have an interest in doing anymore. Those 300 person keggars were a blast, but I don't have the interest or insurance to do those anymore. I can't do everything I actually want to do. I have to be realistic. I don't want to be away from my kids very often. Logistically that means I have to prioritize.
So here is my prioritized list:
1) Hang out with friends (new and old)
2) Stand up comedy (open mic night to start out with)
3) Start running again (someday I want to do marathon #10 - but that will take a few years)
4) Slam Poetry (I've only watched this once - and I have always wanted to try it)
5) Read a book (yeah, this one is sad - I have not read a book in so long. I have a few in mind that I want to read. This one can probably be done after the kids go to bed so it is not a huge impact to the family schedule).
6) Play more video games (I know this sounds silly, but I would love an evening with just me and Diablo 3).
So here I go - time to get out of my shell and pursue some of my dreams, all at the same time caring for two small children and working full time! My next post will be about sleep deprivation.
Before had kids, I used to do so much. I ran a mountain biking club called the Walnut Creek Posse and a marathon training group. Heck, I ran 9 marathons (9 very slow, very long marathons). I had a sailboat that I used to get myself into a whole lot of trouble out on Lake Travis. I did stand up comedy. I had huge parties. I traveled a lot. My weekends were packed with lots of fun stuff.
Now, it seems like all of that is gone. I always assumed I would not be one of "those" parents who falls off of the face of the earth when they had kids. Well, I kinda did. My pregnancies were very hard. My children have so much energy. Most days after work and the kids, I have nothing left. To make matters worse, taking a "restful" vacation is almost impossible at this point. Travel is very difficult with young children. Before kids I just assumed I could always jump on a jet and head off to Australia. Well, there is no way I am doing that now. A one year only and almost 4 year old will really keep you locked down. Australia will have to wait.
I miss those magic moments. ...like the standing ovation I got at a karaoke club for my rendition of Baby Got Back ...or taking the sailboat out at night with a good friend, where the lake was still and the conversation was deep... ...or riding my mountain bike down an actual mountain in Utah, filled with adrenaline and fear. ...or backpacking in big bend with my sister, and arguing about cactus species. ...or the laughs I got when I did my stand up routine, ever so slightly intoxicated, while standing on an inner tube floating down the San Marcos river. ...or running in Finland, in almost a dream state because of the fog and the jet lag.
I know I will have more magic moments with my kids. I have had many with them already. Many of my other posts and pictures posted to Facebook are dedicated to this magic.
But still, I miss my old self... So recently I have been slowly crawling out of my shell. I have been out to a few happy hours. I scoped out a comedy club's open mic night. I have a plan to practice with a girlfriend next weekend and then I am getting up on stage! I don't care how terrible I am, this is just something I have to do.
My husband is at poker night now. This is important. He gets to have a night out and he will return the favor later this weekend when I go out to a karaoke night with co-workers (gosh, I sure missed karaoke - I really stink at it, but I missed it all the same).
So I guess the key is that since we can now both handle both kids at the same time by ourselves - at least in a contained environment like our house - a window of opportunity has opened. While I'll never going to be able to do all that I did before kids, I'll be able to pursue some of my dreams, no matter how silly they are. Quite frankly, there are some things I did in my past that I don't have an interest in doing anymore. Those 300 person keggars were a blast, but I don't have the interest or insurance to do those anymore. I can't do everything I actually want to do. I have to be realistic. I don't want to be away from my kids very often. Logistically that means I have to prioritize.
So here is my prioritized list:
1) Hang out with friends (new and old)
2) Stand up comedy (open mic night to start out with)
3) Start running again (someday I want to do marathon #10 - but that will take a few years)
4) Slam Poetry (I've only watched this once - and I have always wanted to try it)
5) Read a book (yeah, this one is sad - I have not read a book in so long. I have a few in mind that I want to read. This one can probably be done after the kids go to bed so it is not a huge impact to the family schedule).
6) Play more video games (I know this sounds silly, but I would love an evening with just me and Diablo 3).
So here I go - time to get out of my shell and pursue some of my dreams, all at the same time caring for two small children and working full time! My next post will be about sleep deprivation.
Friday, July 13, 2012
A Parent Group of My Own
I've wanted to join some sort of parent group for quite sometime now. Unfortunately, it has been difficult to find a group that is a good match for me.
Reasons why most moms groups not good matches for me:
1) Scheduling conflict: Most moms groups only meet during the week (and many moms groups have a minimum meetup requirement which would automatically exclude me as I work during the week). I have found many moms groups that I would gladly join, if only they had events on the weekend.
2) Many moms groups require a lot of time outside of the meetups where you have to make stuff, sew stuff, plant stuff, plan stuff, cook stuff, etc. I'm lucky if I have time brush my teeth in the morning. I can't imagine having to bake cupcakes and make party decorations on top of my already hectic life. In addition, I suck at that stuff.
3) While I have heard that many moms groups offer an excellent source of friendship and support, I have also heard tales of everything from excessive gossip and drama to competitive parenting and moms being thrown out of groups for not following the rules. I have never experienced a moms group first hand so I can't speak from experience, but I have heard these concerns for multiple people who have been involved in various different moms groups. I'm sure there are plenty of moms groups that do not have these issues, but finding one that also meets primarily on the weekend is nearly impossible.
So, I decided to start my own parent group. Note that I said "parent group" and not moms group. I don't like being excluded and I'm sure there are a lot of dads out there who often feel excluded as well. Also, if I am going to do meetups on the weekend, it makes a lot of sense to include dads. (And it gives me to opportunity to drag my dear husband along from time to time).
So what would I like in a meetup group:
1) A fun group that provides members with the opportunity to explore new kid friendly places.
2) A group that promotes friendship and social interaction at both the parent and kid level.
3) Zero commitment. Basically, I just set a time and place and whoever shows up, shows up. No need to RSVP. People can bail at the last minute. I want a group that is not stressful to be a part of. I don't want to burden anyone. Perhaps this means I am occasionally on my own somewhere - but I am always with my kids, so I am never ever really alone :-( It would be lovely to have just a little time alone to myself, but I digress...
4) No real structure. No play date directors, no coordinators, and no responsibility of any kind. This goes back to #1 - Zero commitment.
5) Obviously, no need to bake, make, or sew anything. If someone really wants to bake, make or sew anything, that is wonderful, but there is no requirement to do so and I sure as heck won't do it.
6) Open mindedness. There are many different types of parents and parenting strategies - working parents, stay at home parents, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, time out, positive redirection, cry it out, the list goes on and on. I'd like a group that is both diverse and accepting of all types of parents and parenting.
So, with all that in mind, I created my group. So far so good. We have had three meetups so far. Some of my old friends whom I used to hang out with "back in the day" are coming out to these events (they are now married with kids as well). Some I have not seen in years. I've had fun reconnecting with them. I've also made some new friends along the way. My kids had a blast playing with the kids who attended. I'm really excited about the future of this group. I have some great ideas for places to visit. I only wish that I had started this group sooner.
Reasons why most moms groups not good matches for me:
1) Scheduling conflict: Most moms groups only meet during the week (and many moms groups have a minimum meetup requirement which would automatically exclude me as I work during the week). I have found many moms groups that I would gladly join, if only they had events on the weekend.
2) Many moms groups require a lot of time outside of the meetups where you have to make stuff, sew stuff, plant stuff, plan stuff, cook stuff, etc. I'm lucky if I have time brush my teeth in the morning. I can't imagine having to bake cupcakes and make party decorations on top of my already hectic life. In addition, I suck at that stuff.
3) While I have heard that many moms groups offer an excellent source of friendship and support, I have also heard tales of everything from excessive gossip and drama to competitive parenting and moms being thrown out of groups for not following the rules. I have never experienced a moms group first hand so I can't speak from experience, but I have heard these concerns for multiple people who have been involved in various different moms groups. I'm sure there are plenty of moms groups that do not have these issues, but finding one that also meets primarily on the weekend is nearly impossible.
So, I decided to start my own parent group. Note that I said "parent group" and not moms group. I don't like being excluded and I'm sure there are a lot of dads out there who often feel excluded as well. Also, if I am going to do meetups on the weekend, it makes a lot of sense to include dads. (And it gives me to opportunity to drag my dear husband along from time to time).
So what would I like in a meetup group:
1) A fun group that provides members with the opportunity to explore new kid friendly places.
2) A group that promotes friendship and social interaction at both the parent and kid level.
3) Zero commitment. Basically, I just set a time and place and whoever shows up, shows up. No need to RSVP. People can bail at the last minute. I want a group that is not stressful to be a part of. I don't want to burden anyone. Perhaps this means I am occasionally on my own somewhere - but I am always with my kids, so I am never ever really alone :-( It would be lovely to have just a little time alone to myself, but I digress...
4) No real structure. No play date directors, no coordinators, and no responsibility of any kind. This goes back to #1 - Zero commitment.
5) Obviously, no need to bake, make, or sew anything. If someone really wants to bake, make or sew anything, that is wonderful, but there is no requirement to do so and I sure as heck won't do it.
6) Open mindedness. There are many different types of parents and parenting strategies - working parents, stay at home parents, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, time out, positive redirection, cry it out, the list goes on and on. I'd like a group that is both diverse and accepting of all types of parents and parenting.
So, with all that in mind, I created my group. So far so good. We have had three meetups so far. Some of my old friends whom I used to hang out with "back in the day" are coming out to these events (they are now married with kids as well). Some I have not seen in years. I've had fun reconnecting with them. I've also made some new friends along the way. My kids had a blast playing with the kids who attended. I'm really excited about the future of this group. I have some great ideas for places to visit. I only wish that I had started this group sooner.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Things I did differently from baby #1 to baby #2
A lot of people say that you are more relaxed when baby #2 comes around. In my case I was more relaxed in some ways and more stressed in others. Since Pen is now almost 14 months, I decided to take a look back at what I did differently with baby #2 versus baby #1.
- I bought a bassinet - For my first baby I thought it was a waste of money. Why buy a bassinet that is only good for 3 months when you can get a crib that is good for 2 or so years? While that sounded logical, baby #1 refused to sleep in the crib. My theory is this was because the crib was too big and did not make baby #1 feel secure. She ended up in our bed the whole time. For baby #2 we bought a bassinet. Baby #2 slept a lot more in the smaller bassinet - although she did spend some time in our bed as well. Getting baby #2 in bassinet early on did help pave the way for her to sleep in her pack and play later on.
- I used that Angel Care breathing monitor - I did not think I would be one of those mothers who would just stare frantically at their baby, watching baby breathe. Well, I certainly lost plenty of sleep doing this with baby #1. For #2 we used Angel Care and it was awesome! Angel Care monitored #2's breathing for me and I could sleep more soundly. We did have a few false alarms but otherwise the device was worth every penny.
- I did not bother focusing as much about my baby's development compared to written standards- With baby #1 I was always reading about what milestones baby baby should be making on any given week. With #2 I did not have any time to read and honestly, I did not worry. They don't hand out medals to babies who walk or talk earlier. I let baby #2 develop at her own pace. I also did not focus as much on the height and weight growth charts. Baby #1 was always bouncing all over those charts. With baby #2, I only worried if the doctor told me to worry.
- I got out of the house more - Baby #1 turned my life upside down. I became a hermit. My friends hardly ever saw me. With baby #2 I reclaimed my life - albeit a new life. Now my weekends are full of adventures to new parks and playgrounds. I see my friends a lot more often (mostly as part of playdate arrangements). I've made new mom friends. I also put a priority on date night. We go out at least once a month and preferably twice a month. All of these things make a huge difference in actually enjoying being a parent of young children.
- I bought a Minivan - I used to have a really cool car. Unfortunately the cool car was a total pain to get kids in and out of. The minivan makes my life easier in so many ways. I can toss in a double stroller without even folding it! Strapping kids in is so much easier. I'll always miss my cool car, but I have embraced my big fat ugly green minivan!
- I used the new pouch food stuff - This stuff was not around for baby #1. It is amazing how many things change in just a few years. The pouch food was more portable and baby #2 could literally suck it right out of the pouch.
- I kept baby rear facing for longer in a car seat - With baby #1 the law was rear facing until 1 year old. A bunch of studies showed that babies fare much better when in an accident if they were rear facing. With baby #2 we still have her rear facing (now in a somewhat awkward convertible car seat).
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
How Today's Guidelines Set Up New Parents for Failure
Before I had my first child, I read a lot of books and obtained all of the "stuff" required to care for a new baby. I had a plan. Baby would sleep in a JPMA approved crib on a rock solid hard mattress with no bumpers. Crib would be in a neatly decorated nursery. I would also breastfeed as recommended. What I did not know was that I was setting myself up for failure.
Near the very end of my pregnancy I grew tired. I was huge and lacking sleep. I had to use the bathroom literally ever 30 minutes even in the middle of the night.
My labor was easy compared to most. It was medicated and lasted 10 hours. The baby came at 8pm. I happily breastfed my new baby and woke frequently during the first night to do so. On the second night the baby was up all night. I kept falling into a cycle of nurse baby to sleep, swaddle baby (a skill I was terrible at - especially at 4AM), place baby in bassinet (a firm plastic tub), pick baby up because baby just woke up crying the moment baby's head hit the bassinet, repeat process.
I was still recovering from the birth and a few weeks of "end of pregnancy sleep deprivation". The hospital I was staying at was very pro breastfeeding and did not have a nursery that you could send your baby to so you could sleep. All healthy babies had to room with their mothers. They also had big signs up on the walls of my room stating "Do NOT fall asleep with the baby in the hospital bed".
By 4:30AM on the second night I was so exhausted I felt like I was going to lose it. I was never good at pulling all-nighters, let alone all-nighters after having just given birth. I have no idea how anyone with a 48 or 72 hour labor would have proceeded at this point. A nurse saved me that night and took the baby an hour early for her newborn screen and I was able to sleep until 7AM. The full 2.5 hours of sleep was quite a treat.
After returning home with my new baby, I experienced more of the same (nurse baby to sleep, try to sneak baby into crib, baby immediately wakes up, try again). I became nearly delirious with exhaustion after a few days.
One evening I woke up next to my baby. She was sleeping so soundly. I was rather freaked out and somewhat ashamed that I had fallen asleep with my baby. I did not even remember falling asleep. I had apparently slept for several hours. I certainly was not planning on co-sleeping/bed-sharing with my baby. I had read all of the warnings about this. Still, I felt much better since I was able to get some sleep and my baby seemed very content with the arrangement. Now, I'm sure there are many parents out there who were able to pull off the breastfeed->sleep->transfer bassinet procedure without a problem, but I was not one of them and nothing I tried helped the situation. I was terrified that I would unintentionally fall asleep with my baby in an unsafe environment.
After a lot of Googling and discussion with my husband, we decided to bed-share, safely. We threw out our old queen bed and mattress and got a king bed with a firm mattress. We kept all pillows and blankets away from the baby and made sure there were no gaps between the headboard and the mattress. I slept in an almost instinctual position on my side with my arms and knees extended so that I could not roll over and nothing else could roll over on the baby. This worked well with both of our children. In addition to everyone getting better sleep, it also seemed that the bed-sharing helped satisfy other deep down needs that my babies had.
I feel that if we did not bed-share, my baby would have been subject to riskier situations - like me passing out while trying to feed baby on a chair (this never happened to me, but I know it has happened to many others).
The AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) recommends that babies breastfeed for the first year of life. The AAP also recommends that infants do not share a bed with their parents. This advice is echoed to new parents across the country. Advocating breastfeeding and at the same time advocating against bed sharing is setting many new parents up for failure. In practice this just does not work. Many new parents will unwittingly put their babies at much more risk trying desperately to follow these guidelines, and in the process fall asleep in unsafe conditions. Wouldn't a better approach be to educate new parents of how to safely bed-share? They could prepare for safe bed-sharing ahead of time. Why must the new parents of today be subject to this sleep deprivation torture when there is a better solution?
The argument against co-sleeping is that it is unsafe. Adult beds are not designed for babies. There have been some terrible accidents involving bed sharing. So terrible that the city of Milwaukee started an add campaign against bed sharing. It should be noted that most bed-sharing accidents involved drugs, alcohol, people other than the mother sleeping next to the baby, or an unsafe sleep environment (pillows, couch, inflatable mattress, gap in between headboard and mattress, etc).
It seems that if safe bed-sharing is practiced, most if not all of the risks can be mitigated and parents can reap the rewards of bed sharing such as better sleep, bonding, and breastfeeding. Many of the benefits of bed sharing are discussed here. Wouldn't it be better if the AAP and other organizations put out safe bed-sharing guidelines rather than banning the practice altogether?
Why must today's new parents be set up for failure?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The High Cost of the Rat Race that Starts in the Womb
As a parent, one thing I have noticed is that many parents today are hyper concerned about their children's achievement, even at a very early age. Everyone wants to do everything possible to get their kid into Harvard or some equivalent. I have to ask, why???
It has even started in the womb. From the instant I found out I was pregnant with my first child (actually even during the time just before I got pregnant) I altered my diet to be as nutritious as possible, and of course, organic. I dutifully took the best prenatal vitamins I could find.
All of this preparation came to a dramatic halt at week 6 of both of my pregnancies when I became so sick I could not hold any food down. I had to be given daily IVs for weeks just to stay hydrated. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis with both of my pregnancies. Forget about proper nutrition. My baby and I were in survival mode. Once I could finally keep something down I was living on whatever would stay down. For many months during my pregnancies, I was eating just popsicles and other cold sugary foods. Even the pre-natal vitamins would not stay down. During the times when I was sick I was not too concerned about how this would impact my children's future development. I just wanted to die.
Luckily we all survived (twice) and now I have children that are "competing" with other children who had mothers who were not sick, who were able to provide the very best prenatal environment complete with Mozart in the womb. Yes, there is some study out there that shows that if you do this your baby will be smarter. How could my children compete, given their less than ideal beginnings?
Guess what? So far, my kids are just fine. They are both healthy, happy kids. I could start bragging about how my kids did this or that early, but I find that kind of discussion annoying so I am not going to go there. Just know, my kids are just fine thank you. I'm starting to believe that a lot of this early childhood "enrichment" is just a load of hogwash.
Perhaps it is all about control. Parents want their kids to be "successful" and think they have ultimate control of any potential outcome. While parents certainly have some influence over their children, I would argue that if they exert too much influence and pressure, they will not get the results desired, or at least not the results that are best for the child.
So today I read an article about a woman who "red-shirted" her son so he could have an "edge" in kindergarten. This was not a boy who needed an extra year to be ready to kindergarten. This was a boy who was ALREADY READING!!!
This is outrageous! Since when is achievement so important that a small bump in the odds is worth an entire year of a child's life!
The same people who are red shirting are the same people who are hyper-competing to get their children into the best pre-schools. They will likely sign their kids up for anything and everything that might make a bit of difference on that Harvard application.
But is all of this preparation too much? I say yes!!! It is way too much. There was Cat Stevens song we used to sing at summer camp in the 80s that had the lyrics "But tell me, Where Do The Children Play?". It was a song about how progress was limiting the places left for children to play. I think today the song should read "WHEN Do The Children Play?". With all of the focus on activities and achievement, will kids ever get to be kids? Are we robbing our children of their childhoods just for the sake of a misguided attempt to raise their academic status? Are we simply preparing our children for a mental breakdown? And why do we want our kids to get into Harvard in the first place? Would that really make our children better adults or would it just make us look better when brag to other parents about how little Johnny is doing?
My father was an intelligent man. He used to always tell me "A state school is a good school". I really wanted to go to the Ivy League school, Cornell. He advised against it. We could not afford it away. At Cornell, there was a bridge that occasionally students would jump off of when the pressure was too much. It seemed so sad. At the state school I went to (SUNY Oswego) there was also a bridge, but interestingly enough, no jumpers. My point is that this endless pressure that we put on our kids may have dire results. If we continue to steer them towards the high achievement roles we want them to obtain, when will they learn to steer themselves? And by the way, after graduating from a state school, I turned out just fine, thank you.
Back to my original question: do we really want our children to go to Harvard in the first place? Perhaps only if they want to go. Even if they want to go, would all of this early preparation really have made a difference?
Let's take a look at the hyper-achievement oriented route from a purely financial route. Sure, the Mozart in the Womb do-hickey is not that expensive, but exclusive preschools and private schools are. You could also move to a public school district that is one of the top in the country. Expect to pay at least 600K for a house as fellow high-achievement-rat-race parents have bid up the prices on top school districts sky high. Let's say you are successful in getting junior into one of the top tier colleges. It will cost you over 550K per kid and that is just for undergrad. What does the future hold? A ton of debt! Parents would likely not be able to retire, and junior may also be drowning in student loan debt. What does junior do? With such an amazing degree, junior may only be able to find suitable employment in expensive high achievement areas of the country like Washington DC or NYC. Of course the cost of living in these places is out of control, just like the pressure is to achieve. The rat race just gets worse and worse.
I know a couple, neither of whom are college graduates and both work for Walmart. They can afford a house in Austin, TX if they wanted one. The areas they can afford are in the outskits of town, but they could have a nice 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house if they so desired. I also know dual income prestigious degree wielding couples who are not able to buy a house in the Washington DC area where they work. Not that housing is everything, but the thought of working my tail off achieving more than most only to not be able to afford something as simple as a house would be most frustrating. I am starting to wonder if the Walmart couple had it right all along.
Sure high achievement has it's advantages, but I would not be so eager to place my child in the best-of-the-best rat race. That race has very few winners and a lot of burned out worn down losers.
I suppose it really comes back to what is the point of all of this? There is no awards ceremony at the end for those who walked first, potty trained the best, or got into the very best school. Kids need to figure out what the point is on their own. They need to forge their own paths. If we try to forge their path for them, they will never learn their true passions in life and may never be truly happy. Worse yet, they mat be stuck in the same or even bigger rat race than the one their parents ran. Is that what we want for our children?
It has even started in the womb. From the instant I found out I was pregnant with my first child (actually even during the time just before I got pregnant) I altered my diet to be as nutritious as possible, and of course, organic. I dutifully took the best prenatal vitamins I could find.
All of this preparation came to a dramatic halt at week 6 of both of my pregnancies when I became so sick I could not hold any food down. I had to be given daily IVs for weeks just to stay hydrated. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis with both of my pregnancies. Forget about proper nutrition. My baby and I were in survival mode. Once I could finally keep something down I was living on whatever would stay down. For many months during my pregnancies, I was eating just popsicles and other cold sugary foods. Even the pre-natal vitamins would not stay down. During the times when I was sick I was not too concerned about how this would impact my children's future development. I just wanted to die.
Luckily we all survived (twice) and now I have children that are "competing" with other children who had mothers who were not sick, who were able to provide the very best prenatal environment complete with Mozart in the womb. Yes, there is some study out there that shows that if you do this your baby will be smarter. How could my children compete, given their less than ideal beginnings?
Guess what? So far, my kids are just fine. They are both healthy, happy kids. I could start bragging about how my kids did this or that early, but I find that kind of discussion annoying so I am not going to go there. Just know, my kids are just fine thank you. I'm starting to believe that a lot of this early childhood "enrichment" is just a load of hogwash.
Perhaps it is all about control. Parents want their kids to be "successful" and think they have ultimate control of any potential outcome. While parents certainly have some influence over their children, I would argue that if they exert too much influence and pressure, they will not get the results desired, or at least not the results that are best for the child.
So today I read an article about a woman who "red-shirted" her son so he could have an "edge" in kindergarten. This was not a boy who needed an extra year to be ready to kindergarten. This was a boy who was ALREADY READING!!!
This is outrageous! Since when is achievement so important that a small bump in the odds is worth an entire year of a child's life!
The same people who are red shirting are the same people who are hyper-competing to get their children into the best pre-schools. They will likely sign their kids up for anything and everything that might make a bit of difference on that Harvard application.
But is all of this preparation too much? I say yes!!! It is way too much. There was Cat Stevens song we used to sing at summer camp in the 80s that had the lyrics "But tell me, Where Do The Children Play?". It was a song about how progress was limiting the places left for children to play. I think today the song should read "WHEN Do The Children Play?". With all of the focus on activities and achievement, will kids ever get to be kids? Are we robbing our children of their childhoods just for the sake of a misguided attempt to raise their academic status? Are we simply preparing our children for a mental breakdown? And why do we want our kids to get into Harvard in the first place? Would that really make our children better adults or would it just make us look better when brag to other parents about how little Johnny is doing?
My father was an intelligent man. He used to always tell me "A state school is a good school". I really wanted to go to the Ivy League school, Cornell. He advised against it. We could not afford it away. At Cornell, there was a bridge that occasionally students would jump off of when the pressure was too much. It seemed so sad. At the state school I went to (SUNY Oswego) there was also a bridge, but interestingly enough, no jumpers. My point is that this endless pressure that we put on our kids may have dire results. If we continue to steer them towards the high achievement roles we want them to obtain, when will they learn to steer themselves? And by the way, after graduating from a state school, I turned out just fine, thank you.
Back to my original question: do we really want our children to go to Harvard in the first place? Perhaps only if they want to go. Even if they want to go, would all of this early preparation really have made a difference?
Let's take a look at the hyper-achievement oriented route from a purely financial route. Sure, the Mozart in the Womb do-hickey is not that expensive, but exclusive preschools and private schools are. You could also move to a public school district that is one of the top in the country. Expect to pay at least 600K for a house as fellow high-achievement-rat-race parents have bid up the prices on top school districts sky high. Let's say you are successful in getting junior into one of the top tier colleges. It will cost you over 550K per kid and that is just for undergrad. What does the future hold? A ton of debt! Parents would likely not be able to retire, and junior may also be drowning in student loan debt. What does junior do? With such an amazing degree, junior may only be able to find suitable employment in expensive high achievement areas of the country like Washington DC or NYC. Of course the cost of living in these places is out of control, just like the pressure is to achieve. The rat race just gets worse and worse.
I know a couple, neither of whom are college graduates and both work for Walmart. They can afford a house in Austin, TX if they wanted one. The areas they can afford are in the outskits of town, but they could have a nice 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house if they so desired. I also know dual income prestigious degree wielding couples who are not able to buy a house in the Washington DC area where they work. Not that housing is everything, but the thought of working my tail off achieving more than most only to not be able to afford something as simple as a house would be most frustrating. I am starting to wonder if the Walmart couple had it right all along.
Sure high achievement has it's advantages, but I would not be so eager to place my child in the best-of-the-best rat race. That race has very few winners and a lot of burned out worn down losers.
I suppose it really comes back to what is the point of all of this? There is no awards ceremony at the end for those who walked first, potty trained the best, or got into the very best school. Kids need to figure out what the point is on their own. They need to forge their own paths. If we try to forge their path for them, they will never learn their true passions in life and may never be truly happy. Worse yet, they mat be stuck in the same or even bigger rat race than the one their parents ran. Is that what we want for our children?
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