A Parent Group of My Own

I've wanted to join some sort of parent group for quite sometime now.  Unfortunately, it has been difficult to find a group that is a good match for me.

Reasons why most moms groups not good matches for me:
1) Scheduling conflict:  Most moms groups only meet during the week (and many moms groups have a minimum meetup requirement which would automatically exclude me as I work during the week).  I have found many moms groups that I would gladly join, if only they had events on the weekend. 

2) Many moms groups require a lot of time outside of the meetups where you have to make stuff, sew stuff, plant stuff, plan stuff, cook stuff, etc.  I'm lucky if I have time brush my teeth in the morning.  I can't imagine having to bake cupcakes and make party decorations on top of my already hectic life.  In addition, I suck at that stuff.

3) While I have heard that many moms groups offer an excellent source of friendship and support, I have also heard tales of everything from excessive gossip and drama to competitive parenting and moms being thrown out of groups for not following the rules.  I have never experienced a moms group first hand so I can't speak from experience, but I have heard these concerns for multiple people who have been involved in various different moms groups.  I'm sure there are plenty of moms groups that do not have these issues, but finding one that also meets primarily on the weekend is nearly impossible.

So, I decided to start my own parent group.  Note that I said "parent group" and not moms group.  I don't like being excluded and I'm sure there are a lot of dads out there who often feel excluded as well.  Also, if I am going to do meetups on the weekend, it makes a lot of sense to include dads.  (And it gives me to opportunity to drag my dear husband along from time to time).

So what would I like in a meetup group:
1) A fun group that provides members with the opportunity to explore new kid friendly places.

2) A group that promotes friendship and social interaction at both the parent and kid level.

3) Zero commitment.  Basically, I just set a time and place and whoever shows up, shows up.  No need to RSVP.  People can bail at the last minute.  I want a group that is not stressful to be a part of.  I don't want to burden anyone.  Perhaps this means I am occasionally on my own somewhere - but I am always with my kids, so I am never ever really alone :-(  It would be lovely to have just a little time alone to myself, but I digress...

4) No real structure.  No play date directors, no coordinators, and no responsibility of any kind.  This goes back to #1 - Zero commitment.

5) Obviously, no need to bake, make, or sew anything.  If someone really wants to bake, make or sew anything, that is wonderful, but there is no requirement to do so and I sure as heck won't do it.

6) Open mindedness.  There are many different types of parents and parenting strategies - working parents, stay at home parents, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, time out, positive redirection, cry it out, the list goes on and on.  I'd like a group that is both diverse and accepting of all types of parents and parenting.

So, with all that in mind, I created my group.  So far so good.  We have had three meetups so far.  Some of my old friends whom I used to hang out with "back in the day" are coming out to these events (they are now married with kids as well).  Some I have not seen in years.  I've had fun reconnecting with them.  I've also made some new friends along the way.  My kids had a blast playing with the kids who attended.  I'm really excited about the future of this group.  I have some great ideas for places to visit.  I only wish that I had started this group sooner.

Things I did differently from baby #1 to baby #2

A lot of people say that you are more relaxed when baby #2 comes around. In my case I was more relaxed in some ways and more stressed in others. Since Pen is now almost 14 months, I decided to take a look back at what I did differently with baby #2 versus baby #1.

1. I bought a bassinet - For my first baby I thought it was a waste of money.  Why buy a bassinet that is only good for 3 months when you can get a crib that is good for 2 or so years?  While that sounded logical, baby #1 refused to sleep in the crib.  My theory is this was because the crib was too big and did not make baby #1 feel secure.  She ended up in our bed the whole time.  For baby #2 we bought a bassinet.  Baby #2 slept a lot more in the smaller bassinet - although she did spend some time in our bed as well.  Getting baby #2 in bassinet early on did help pave the way for her to sleep in her pack and play later on.
2. I used that Angel Care breathing monitor - I did not think I would be one of those mothers who would just stare frantically at their baby, watching baby breathe.  Well, I certainly lost plenty of sleep doing this with baby #1.  For #2 we used Angel Care and it was awesome!  Angel Care monitored #2's breathing for me and I could sleep more soundly.  We did have a few false alarms but otherwise the device was worth every penny.
3. I did not bother focusing as much about my baby's development compared to written standards- With baby #1 I was always reading about what milestones baby baby should be making on any given week.  With #2 I did not have any time to read and honestly, I did not worry.  They don't hand out medals to babies who walk or talk earlier.  I let baby #2 develop at her own pace.  I also did not focus as much on the height and weight growth charts.  Baby #1 was always bouncing all over those charts.  With baby #2, I only worried if the doctor told me to worry.
4. I got out of the house more - Baby #1 turned my life upside down.  I became a hermit.  My friends hardly ever saw me.  With baby #2 I reclaimed my life - albeit a new life.  Now my weekends are full of adventures to new parks and playgrounds.  I see my friends a lot more often (mostly as part of playdate arrangements).  I've made new mom friends.  I also put a priority on date night.  We go out at least once a month and preferably twice a month.  All of these things make a huge difference in actually enjoying being a parent of young children.
5. I bought a Minivan - I used to have a really cool car.  Unfortunately the cool car was a total pain to get kids in and out of.  The minivan makes my life easier in so many ways.  I can toss in a double stroller without even folding it!  Strapping kids in is so much easier.  I'll always miss my cool car, but I have embraced my big fat ugly green minivan!
6. I used the new pouch food stuff - This stuff was not around for baby #1.  It is amazing how many things change in just a few years.  The pouch food was more portable and baby #2 could literally suck it right out of the pouch.  
7. I kept baby rear facing for longer in a car seat - With baby #1 the law was rear facing until 1 year old.  A bunch of studies showed that babies fare much better when in an accident if they were rear facing.  With baby #2 we still have her rear facing (now in a somewhat awkward convertible car seat). 

The biggest thing I did differently was learn to manage two children instead of one.  The details of that are worthy of another post.

How Today's Guidelines Set Up New Parents for Failure

Before I had my first child, I read a lot of books and obtained all of the "stuff" required to care for a new baby. I had a plan. Baby would sleep in a JPMA approved crib on a rock solid hard mattress with no bumpers. Crib would be in a neatly decorated nursery. I would also breastfeed as recommended. What I did not know was that I was setting myself up for failure.

Near the very end of my pregnancy I grew tired. I was huge and lacking sleep. I had to use the bathroom literally ever 30 minutes even in the middle of the night.

My labor was easy compared to most. It was medicated and lasted 10 hours. The baby came at 8pm. I happily breastfed my new baby and woke frequently during the first night to do so. On the second night the baby was up all night. I kept falling into a cycle of nurse baby to sleep, swaddle baby (a skill I was terrible at - especially at 4AM), place baby in bassinet (a firm plastic tub), pick baby up because baby just woke up crying the moment baby's head hit the bassinet, repeat process.

I was still recovering from the birth and a few weeks of "end of pregnancy sleep deprivation". The hospital I was staying at was very pro breastfeeding and did not have a nursery that you could send your baby to so you could sleep. All healthy babies had to room with their mothers. They also had big signs up on the walls of my room stating "Do NOT fall asleep with the baby in the hospital bed".

By 4:30AM on the second night I was so exhausted I felt like I was going to lose it. I was never good at pulling all-nighters, let alone all-nighters after having just given birth. I have no idea how anyone with a 48 or 72 hour labor would have proceeded at this point. A nurse saved me that night and took the baby an hour early for her newborn screen and I was able to sleep until 7AM. The full 2.5 hours of sleep was quite a treat.

After returning home with my new baby, I experienced more of the same (nurse baby to sleep, try to sneak baby into crib, baby immediately wakes up, try again). I became nearly delirious with exhaustion after a few days.

One evening I woke up next to my baby. She was sleeping so soundly. I was rather freaked out and somewhat ashamed that I had fallen asleep with my baby. I did not even remember falling asleep. I had apparently slept for several hours. I certainly was not planning on co-sleeping/bed-sharing with my baby. I had read all of the warnings about this. Still, I felt much better since I was able to get some sleep and my baby seemed very content with the arrangement. Now, I'm sure there are many parents out there who were able to pull off the breastfeed->sleep->transfer bassinet procedure without a problem, but I was not one of them and nothing I tried helped the situation. I was terrified that I would unintentionally fall asleep with my baby in an unsafe environment.

After a lot of Googling and discussion with my husband, we decided to bed-share, safely. We threw out our old queen bed and mattress and got a king bed with a firm mattress. We kept all pillows and blankets away from the baby and made sure there were no gaps between the headboard and the mattress. I slept in an almost instinctual position on my side with my arms and knees extended so that I could not roll over and nothing else could roll over on the baby. This worked well with both of our children. In addition to everyone getting better sleep, it also seemed that the bed-sharing helped satisfy other deep down needs that my babies had.

I feel that if we did not bed-share, my baby would have been subject to riskier situations - like me passing out while trying to feed baby on a chair (this never happened to me, but I know it has happened to many others).

The AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) recommends that babies breastfeed for the first year of life. The AAP also recommends that infants do not share a bed with their parents. This advice is echoed to new parents across the country. Advocating breastfeeding and at the same time advocating against bed sharing is setting many new parents up for failure. In practice this just does not work. Many new parents will unwittingly put their babies at much more risk trying desperately to follow these guidelines, and in the process fall asleep in unsafe conditions. Wouldn't a better approach be to educate new parents of how to safely bed-share? They could prepare for safe bed-sharing ahead of time. Why must the new parents of today be subject to this sleep deprivation torture when there is a better solution?

The argument against co-sleeping is that it is unsafe. Adult beds are not designed for babies. There have been some terrible accidents involving bed sharing. So terrible that the city of Milwaukee started an add campaign against bed sharing. It should be noted that most bed-sharing accidents involved drugs, alcohol, people other than the mother sleeping next to the baby, or an unsafe sleep environment (pillows, couch, inflatable mattress, gap in between headboard and mattress, etc).

It seems that if safe bed-sharing is practiced, most if not all of the risks can be mitigated and parents can reap the rewards of bed sharing such as better sleep, bonding, and breastfeeding. Many of the benefits of bed sharing are discussed here. Wouldn't it be better if the AAP and other organizations put out safe bed-sharing guidelines rather than banning the practice altogether?

Why must today's new parents be set up for failure?

The High Cost of the Rat Race that Starts in the Womb

As a parent, one thing I have noticed is that many parents today are hyper concerned about their children's achievement, even at a very early age. Everyone wants to do everything possible to get their kid into Harvard or some equivalent. I have to ask, why???

It has even started in the womb. From the instant I found out I was pregnant with my first child (actually even during the time just before I got pregnant) I altered my diet to be as nutritious as possible, and of course, organic. I dutifully took the best prenatal vitamins I could find.

All of this preparation came to a dramatic halt at week 6 of both of my pregnancies when I became so sick I could not hold any food down. I had to be given daily IVs for weeks just to stay hydrated. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis with both of my pregnancies. Forget about proper nutrition. My baby and I were in survival mode. Once I could finally keep something down I was living on whatever would stay down. For many months during my pregnancies, I was eating just popsicles and other cold sugary foods. Even the pre-natal vitamins would not stay down. During the times when I was sick I was not too concerned about how this would impact my children's future development. I just wanted to die.

Luckily we all survived (twice) and now I have children that are "competing" with other children who had mothers who were not sick, who were able to provide the very best prenatal environment complete with Mozart in the womb. Yes, there is some study out there that shows that if you do this your baby will be smarter. How could my children compete, given their less than ideal beginnings?

Guess what? So far, my kids are just fine. They are both healthy, happy kids. I could start bragging about how my kids did this or that early, but I find that kind of discussion annoying so I am not going to go there. Just know, my kids are just fine thank you. I'm starting to believe that a lot of this early childhood "enrichment" is just a load of hogwash.

Perhaps it is all about control. Parents want their kids to be "successful" and think they have ultimate control of any potential outcome. While parents certainly have some influence over their children, I would argue that if they exert too much influence and pressure, they will not get the results desired, or at least not the results that are best for the child.

So today I read an article about a woman who "red-shirted" her son so he could have an "edge" in kindergarten. This was not a boy who needed an extra year to be ready to kindergarten. This was a boy who was ALREADY READING!!!

This is outrageous! Since when is achievement so important that a small bump in the odds is worth an entire year of a child's life!

The same people who are red shirting are the same people who are hyper-competing to get their children into the best pre-schools. They will likely sign their kids up for anything and everything that might make a bit of difference on that Harvard application.

But is all of this preparation too much? I say yes!!! It is way too much. There was Cat Stevens song we used to sing at summer camp in the 80s that had the lyrics "But tell me, Where Do The Children Play?". It was a song about how progress was limiting the places left for children to play. I think today the song should read "WHEN Do The Children Play?". With all of the focus on activities and achievement, will kids ever get to be kids? Are we robbing our children of their childhoods just for the sake of a misguided attempt to raise their academic status? Are we simply preparing our children for a mental breakdown? And why do we want our kids to get into Harvard in the first place? Would that really make our children better adults or would it just make us look better when brag to other parents about how little Johnny is doing?

My father was an intelligent man. He used to always tell me "A state school is a good school". I really wanted to go to the Ivy League school, Cornell. He advised against it. We could not afford it away. At Cornell, there was a bridge that occasionally students would jump off of when the pressure was too much. It seemed so sad. At the state school I went to (SUNY Oswego) there was also a bridge, but interestingly enough, no jumpers. My point is that this endless pressure that we put on our kids may have dire results. If we continue to steer them towards the high achievement roles we want them to obtain, when will they learn to steer themselves? And by the way, after graduating from a state school, I turned out just fine, thank you.

Back to my original question: do we really want our children to go to Harvard in the first place? Perhaps only if they want to go. Even if they want to go, would all of this early preparation really have made a difference?

Let's take a look at the hyper-achievement oriented route from a purely financial route. Sure, the Mozart in the Womb do-hickey is not that expensive, but exclusive preschools and private schools are. You could also move to a public school district that is one of the top in the country. Expect to pay at least 600K for a house as fellow high-achievement-rat-race parents have bid up the prices on top school districts sky high. Let's say you are successful in getting junior into one of the top tier colleges. It will cost you over 550K per kid and that is just for undergrad. What does the future hold? A ton of debt! Parents would likely not be able to retire, and junior may also be drowning in student loan debt. What does junior do? With such an amazing degree, junior may only be able to find suitable employment in expensive high achievement areas of the country like Washington DC or NYC. Of course the cost of living in these places is out of control, just like the pressure is to achieve. The rat race just gets worse and worse.

I know a couple, neither of whom are college graduates and both work for Walmart. They can afford a house in Austin, TX if they wanted one. The areas they can afford are in the outskits of town, but they could have a nice 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house if they so desired. I also know dual income prestigious degree wielding couples who are not able to buy a house in the Washington DC area where they work. Not that housing is everything, but the thought of working my tail off achieving more than most only to not be able to afford something as simple as a house would be most frustrating. I am starting to wonder if the Walmart couple had it right all along.

Sure high achievement has it's advantages, but I would not be so eager to place my child in the best-of-the-best rat race. That race has very few winners and a lot of burned out worn down losers.

I suppose it really comes back to what is the point of all of this? There is no awards ceremony at the end for those who walked first, potty trained the best, or got into the very best school. Kids need to figure out what the point is on their own. They need to forge their own paths. If we try to forge their path for them, they will never learn their true passions in life and may never be truly happy. Worse yet, they mat be stuck in the same or even bigger rat race than the one their parents ran. Is that what we want for our children?

Last week I did nothing and it was everything I ever dreamed it to be

Ok, I did not actually do nothing. I think you have to take a lot more time off to actually do nothing. Someday, I will do nothing! On Monday I hung out with Peach because she was sick. I also did some accounting work for hubby's business. It was really nice because she just laid next to me and watched cartoons. On Tuesday I worked on our taxes and played a video game for one hour. On Wednesday, I used a gift certificate I received for XMas (thank you brother-in-law Joe) and spent the day at Lake Austin Spa. What a treat! On Thursday I got a haircut (I had not had one in over a year) and bought the kids some clothes at the outlet mall. On Friday I bought myself a few clothes and looked at some playscapes (there are some very cool playscapes out there - but we don't even have to time to plan the installation of a playscape).

I took the week off because I was just exhausted. I did not feel like my normal productive self. Work is usually the easy part of my day if you can believe that. Life with two young children can be beyond exhausting. I did feel guilty for taking the time (especially since hubby is working two jobs at the moment). I rarely get time to myself, and in the rare occasions I am given time to myself - I feel guilty. At the same time, they don't hand out medals to those who work the hardest and have the least amount of free time. Taking the time off was a wise decision.

I feel much better. I spent last weekend playing with the girls and having fun. My batteries have been recharged. Hopefully I can run for at least another 6 months before I feel rundown again. If not I'll just burn another day or two of vacation. Someone else can win the most rundown/busy mom award.

When will a vacation actually be a vacation again?

Travel is rough with two small children. Destinations are limited and getting there can be a nightmare. We have tried the airplane route. Hauling a baby and a toddler on a plane elicits all sorts of nasty looks before we even do anything wrong. I'd like to say those looks are unwarranted... but more often than not, both kids end up raising hell at the same time. Once, upon a descent, my baby was screaming and my toddler had so much pent up energy that she screamed too. We tried to hold her down and keep her in her seat she screamed even louder. (They don't have exceptions to the seatbelt rule for toddlers). ...And yes, toddler was kicking the seat in front of her and at one point even grabbed someone's hair. Once during a connection, our little girl flung her play purse around her head and knocked someone's hot chocolate into the air making a huge mess. I have countless horror airplane stories where we were the horror!

Now perhaps you are thinking: "those LAZY PARENTS" or even "those BAD PARENTS". I get where you are coming from. Heck, I used to think those things too when I was single and did a lot of business travel. Well, given the shoes I am wearing now, I can tell you that most parents do not intend to piss everyone off on the plane. On the contrary, we are mortified by our kids behavior! We are mortified that we were not able to get everything under control. No one is more frustrated than us! We spend the entire flight pulling out every trick we know to entertain our kids and keep them under control. We are decent parents and our kids are normally good kids! For young children, putting them in a small cramped space for a long period of time with very little to do is a recipe for disaster for just about anyone. Yes, every once and awhile you will find well behaved babies and toddlers on a plane. That is because those kids have been drugged! (think Children's Tylenol or Motrin)

Now that we own a big fat ugly minivan (which I LOVE), we have another travel option. We can go to lots of places via the good ole fashioned ROAD TRIP! Road trips are great because we are no longer pissing off a plane full of people. We can stop whenever we want to let the kids get their energy out and we can have some good family time. The cons of road trips are obvious. They take forever and with small children the stops are very frequent (I think we stopped 26 times on the way to Ohio). I do really enjoy road trips and for us they are way better than flying, but I really want something RESTFUL. Given that my normal day looks like this: http://softwaremommy.blogspot.com/2011/08/day-in-life-of-working-mom-with-2-young.html I really need a break!

For destinations, I love Disney. I loved it as a child and I loved taking my little girl to Disney (baby has yet to go). They know how to be kid friendly. Yes, I'd love to have a glass of wine in France or tour China, but that ain't gonna happen lugging young kids. Yes, people do it - good for them. I just can't imagine the effort involved.

So that brings me to my new project: How to get to Disney World from Texas? The solution: Have Disney Cruise come pick us up in Galveston and take us to Disney World (and take us back of course). We can easily make the drive to Galveston - 2.5 hours. Disney is good at taking care of bags. They would move the bags from place to place for us. A Disney Cruise I hear is amazing. I could drop my kids off at their kid's club (they even have a baby nursery) and get some much needed rest by their adult pool (and perhaps even sip on a margarita (I bet that margarita would taste sooooooo good)). Once I get my energy back, I can get my kids and go have fun! There is so much to do with kids on a Disney Cruise. When kids have stuff to do and are having fun, that makes being a parent FUN. The Cruise could stop at Disney's private island in the Bahamas. We could all pet sting rays and spend a fun day at the beach. Once docked in Florida, we would be bused to the Front Gate of the Magic Kingdom (or our hotel room). After a few days at Disney World, we can get some more rest aboard the cruise ship on the way back. Now THAT is a vacation!

Unfortunately, this dream vacation does not exist yet. This is why I started a Facebook petition to ask Disney to consider adding a trip like this to their land/sea options. If you would like to "like" the petition, it is located here . Please help me get enough "like"s to get Disney's attention! Hopefully Disney listens and implements a trip like this soon, because I really need a vacation!

Nothing is Going to Hold Us Back from Trick Or Treating

There are a many things I look forward to doing with my children. There are a few things that I have been so eager to do I say to myself - "I can't wait until she is old enough to do [XYZ]". I may have even jumped the gun on some things. When Peach first learned to walk, I rushed her to a playground (and found myself exhausted trying to keep her from jumping off every ledge in sight). When she was 17 months old, I took her to Disney World. She liked it, but also seemed to be just as amused at crinkling a paper bag. I took her again a year later and that time it was magic! She still talks about the fireworks. The first year I took Peach trick or treating, she had only been walking for a few months and did not really get what was going on. The second time I took her (last year), she had fun and seemed to vaguely grasp the whole door-to-door / candy concept.

This year I could not wait to take her. She picked out her costume weeks in advance (Alice in Wonderland). Unfortunately, as luck would have it, she got knocked in the head by a swing at daycare at around 4pm Halloween day. Fortunately, she was fine, but needed stitches. She did not get home from the hospital until 8:10pm - usually on the late side for trick or treating. Still, there seemed to be just enough time to throw her costume on and knock on a few doors. Peach was so excited. She was talking the whole time about strategies to optimize candy collection and who she was going to give her candy to (Daddy). We made a lot of progress in 30 minutes and she had so much fun.

I felt a little guilty. When Peach was getting her stitches, I was overcome with the fear that she was going to miss out on Trick Or Treating entirely. Sounds silly, doesn't it? I knew she was going to be just fine from a medical standpoint, which is certainly the most important thing. I just knew that I would be so disappointed if we did not get to go. I'm not sure why it was so important to me. Was it important to Peach? I think so, but she'd probably be just fine if she missed it. I suppose there are some things us parents really look forward to doing with our kids. For me, these special occasions are like a reward for all of the hard work it takes to raise a child. We get to see our kids enjoy many of the same things we enjoyed as a kid. To have that taken away would have had a far greater impact than one would think.